Jemma writes: Recently I’ve started to look into an intriguing therapy for the mind called EMDR. This therapy aims to dislodge traumatic memories that are not being processed properly and stick them in their proper place in the brain. The past.
It has prompted me to meditate on one of my favourite verses in the bible Isaiah 43:18-19. “Forget the former things. Do not dwell on the past. See I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”
That scripture speaks to those of us who struggle to leave things in the past. For me it was multiple miscarriage, isn’t it impossible to leave little people you loved and lost behind? It is only through God, his strength and power that we can do this impossible thing.
Anyone who has lost a baby for whatever reason knows it isn’t something you will forget. Miscarriage is birth and death rolled into one. A mystery, an unknown, a difficult to think about or logically rationalise event that has happened and can’t be erased. I read an article recently written by a grieving but moving on parent, who said their first miscarriage shattered his wife like a champagne glass on a hard floor. That has stuck with me. Shattered into fragments. Yes that’s what it has been like, every time.
My life has been a series of ordinary miracles. Meeting my soul mate when I was fifteen, giving birth to our first daughter, then our twins and the unexpected and much celebrated recent finale. It is only now my family is complete that I have started to see there are parts of me that are still shattered into pieces and that I need help to move on.
I never wrote down my dates. I didn’t want a calendar peppered with grief and I wanted to move forward, think positively about the future. Think positive, be positive. But sometimes my body reminded me without me trying. I remember once hitting a week like I’d been run over by a truck and just weeping uncontrollably. It was Lawrence who worked out it was my due date. I didn’t consciously think about it but my body did.
The bible talks about the mind, the heart, the soul. The losses have affected all those parts of me but it is only now that I am allowing myself to truely let go. Somehow grief connected me to the babies, all I had left of them.
This week some small but significant things happened. I have always loved books and this week I picked up my first book in three years, I started to read fiction and poetry again and my mind could absorb it and enjoy it. Last night I had my first simple dream in three years. It was wonderful because it wasn’t a nightmare about loss just a simple dream.
The bible always makes perfect sense even when culture and the medical profession tell you otherwise. Those babies, some of whom were not even days old were part of me, formed by God and forever to be loved by me. I have four beautiful children to hold and love and care for and for that I am so grateful. It is time to allow myself to heal.
I trust God. I can see him at every high and every low of my life, holding it all together. I know now more than ever before I haven’t shattered into pieces and scattered, dispersed, lost forever. I can look up at the sky and know He holds parts of me in His hands and loves them more than I ever could. I have started to breathe out and let Him take them into the past.
So tonight as I tuck each of my precious children into bed I thank Jesus for His great strength and heart that overflows with love. I thank him that grief isn’t the end and that every loss connects us to the hope we have in Him on the cross. And I pray for all those parents out there who love and lose and at some point, whether they like it or not, begin to move on. I keep on asking Jesus to hold us all as we look together at the future.